Why Shouldn’t I Adopt?
by JS LEE
A few times a month, I’m approached by a stranger seeking my approval to adopt. They’ve seen me online talking about adoption and they want my blessing. Mind you, I don’t know anything about them or the situation of the theoretical child. Nonetheless, they implore they’d be one of the good ones and hope my approval will remove their guilt.
Having been adopted to covert narcissists, I’m a recovering People Pleaser. My heart wants to rush to comfort you before I’ve fully heard your request. And I understand the real emotional anguish of wanting a child and not being able. It’s tough for me to crush someone with my beliefs. Life is complicated and people tend to justify their actions and do what they want anyway. But since they’re asking for my opinion, I give them a version of what’s spelled out below.
They often say:
I want to save the children.
Despite what you might think, there aren’t many children who need to be saved and adoption’s not the best answer. Children need their mothers to receive financial and community support. Many will shell out tens of thousands to take in a child, but few want to help keep them with their mother. People will donate to adoption fundraisers because they believe you shouldn’t have to be rich to adopt, yet disconnect from the fact that if it were a viable option, most mothers would keep their children. We shame the poor and empathize with the middle class, while the child becomes severed from their roots.
Many pro-adoption sites declare in an effort to coax mothers to relinquish: There are up to 36 families waiting to adopt for every 1 child in the system. Adoption is rarely about saving the children. More often than not, adoption is an attempt to fulfill people’s desire to parent. Therefore, the children are set up to save the adults—which is an unhealthy dynamic. An uglier truth: this demand toppling the supply feeds into global child trafficking.
What if I adopt through the foster system?
As many former foster youth will tell you, the foster system isn’t meant to be a cheap and easy pathway to adoption. It’s meant to be a temporary reprieve while the family works to better their situation. Much like adoption, the foster system is classist, racist, and broken. It often removes children due to poverty and neglect, while paying strangers to provide for the kids. Imagine if their families received that money instead, without creating unnecessary displacement? They might afford to hire childcare while they work, put more food on the table, and keep the utilities running.
If you foster a child, it should be with the hope they’ll be reunited with their family sooner than later.
What about cases of neglect and abuse?
A sad truth: Not everyone able to procreate is capable of being a good parent. (And it should be said that not everyone able to adopt is capable of being a good parent, either.) The first best option would be to keep them with safe extended family. If that’s ruled out, same race legal guardianship would be the next best step.
Why is guardianship better than open adoption?
This enables them to retain their identity, culture, and keep their records in tact. There’s no revised name, birth certificate, or role to play.
What about sperm donors or surrogacy?
As of now, I’m not 100% against it, but have big caveats. Adults conceived this way have shared similar losses as adoptees. From what I understand, they want to know their roots, and the info they’re seeking is either locked or unknown. The only way that I believe it’s ethical is if the sperm or egg +/or womb donor is already close to the family and plans to stay in the child’s life. And of course, they should grow up aware of their situation because Late Discovery Adoptees have expressed how awful it is to have that rug pulled out from beneath you.
What if none of these options are good enough for me?
As I said above, most people will do what they want and find a way to justify their decision. But I strongly encourage you to take time to fully grieve your loss. Whether you’ve had miscarriages or illness or whatever your situation may be, I understand that it’s rough. I still struggle with my own loss. But the truth is, if you’re not willing to do what’s best for a child, maybe you’re not ready to parent. I know—it’s unfair. There are plenty of people who may seem less parentally fit than you sharing ultrasounds and baby pictures on the daily. It can sting. Reminders are everywhere. But your pain shouldn’t be the catalyst for a child’s displacement.
But I know adoptees who are glad they were adopted.
At this point, I’m doing all I can to refrain from grabbing the nearest object and stabbing myself in the eye. Adoptees who don’t tell non-adoptees what they want to hear always get this line.
Yes, it’s true. There are adoptees who are utterly thankful they were adopted. Some of them say they’ve never felt loss or pain. Some of them might even be telling the truth. Some might be so conditioned into parroting what they know they’re supposed to say because it’s easiest or they’re brainwashed or the truth is still too hard to bear. More often, it’s complicated. We can be grateful for our adoption and still suffer loss. We might know the truth about our relinquishment and feel adoption spared us—while still feeling like imposters, incomplete, or disconnected from our race. We probably aren’t going to tell you unless we already feel you’re completely safe. And the more we know and love you, the less safe you may feel.
Sometimes adoptions work out for the best but most times it’s impossible to know. It’s truly a gamble. People fail at parenting all the time but adoptees require more than your typical parenting. We’re already working with a baseline of trauma from family separation. Good adoptive parents have to go much farther towards understanding the psychological and sometimes cultural needs. They need to be open to discuss more difficult things than your average biological parent. They need to be less fragile with less ego—which tends to flare up when they read things like this.
After all I’ve written, are you thinking you’d make a great adoptive parent? Then why not decide to be a great temporary fosterer? Or why not mentor a local child, which works towards family preservation? Why not nurture someone in your community or extended family? The genuine answer to these questions might reveal important therapeutic considerations.
Parenting is a gift that many of us will never experience. Being deprived of it is a loss. Maybe you can empathize with adoptees through that loss, and find another avenue to pour the love you have to give. I know that my life isn’t over without kids but it’s different, and I’m working on making the most of what I have.
You must hate all adopters.
I don’t have blanket hatred for any group, including adopters. I know plenty who’ve adopted before they understood the system they were contributing to, or the ramifications it would have on their child. The worst thing to do is back out and rehome, causing additional trauma. However, in cases where the child was trafficked or taken by unethical means and their family wants them back, I do believe there’s a duty to make things right.
The best adopters admit to their failings and take steps to rectify. This can include getting more involved with people and events that normalizes the child’s people and culture. Sometimes this includes moving. As someone raised in racial isolation, I strongly believe it’s abusive to raise a child removed from others of their race. Having an in-law or two, or a few kids of color in their class, isn’t enough because they’re still the outsider and therefore subject to developing racial trauma and preference. Some adoptees of color have expressed they shouldn’t be the only person of their race in the family. I think that is fair.
I want to leave you with this: Oftentimes people spend more time and careful consideration purchasing cars and computers than they do before adopting. They pad their learnings with one-dimensional pro-adoption propaganda that reaffirms their decision. When making a big commitment, it’s wise to look at the full spectrum of experiences. Yet most adopters want to silence the voices of adoptees who don’t echo their preferred narrative. You may be surprised by the language they use, the labels and insults hurled. It’s obscene and honestly telling of who the system approves to adopt.
Committing to a non-biological child is a lifelong, multiple life impacting journey. We aren’t cars or computers to sell or trade in when we cease to perform to your expectations. We are humans with our own biological, cultural, and individual markings. We deserve to blossom and thrive organically. Your job as a caregiver isn’t to shape us but guide us towards authenticity. Therefore, adoption is not the best model, as it begins by changing our names, records, and disconnecting us from our roots. It forces us into a role we weren’t meant to play.
I’ll reiterate that this is my opinion. I encourage you to seek out as many adoptee perspectives as possible. Hear the voices of former foster youth and those with guardianship. Refrain from badgering those you personally know because it puts them in an awkward position. Go beyond your network. Social media is a great tool for this.
Search the hashtags: #NAAM #NAAM19 #NationalADOPTEEawarenessMonth #BeingAdoptedMeans #AdoptionTaughtMe.
Don’t rebut—just listen, and thank us for our free labor. Support us by reading our blogs, essays, and books. Watch our documentaries and films. It’s never been a better time to gather an array of information. Use it wisely.
May 12, 2020 @ 4:48 pm
Thank you for writing this. I wish more people would really listen to what many adoptees are saying about the darker sides of adoption. I am a late discovery adoptee (2017 at age 40.) I accidentally discovered my adoption after getting a DNA match to one of my three full biological sisters on Ancestry. Prior to this I was never told I was adopted. I am now fully reunited with my biological family and have no contact (by my choice) with my former adoptive family. My adoptive mother (now deceased) was a narcissist and an alcoholic. I was brainwashed to believe their fabricated “facts” about myself and my family’s background. After my discovery, I felt shattered and lost, but also had an overwhelming sense of relief and happiness to know that I was not genetically related to my adoptive parents. Again, thank you for writing this. -Michelle (adoptee)
May 12, 2020 @ 5:42 pm
I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, Michelle. <3 Glad this felt good for you.
December 9, 2019 @ 9:08 am
Your argument implies that gay people shouldn’t have kids at all then?
December 9, 2019 @ 10:42 am
Hi Claire. No, I’m not anti-gay. I’m also in the queer community and a large percentage of my friends are, too. I’m not against queer people caring for children. As I stated above, I don’t believe that adoption is the best answer for the child. Legal guardianship is the same as parenting without the altering or loss of the child’s rightful paperwork. Egg/sperm donors can be ethical if with someone who plans to stay closely connected to the family. Overall, what we need to do is shift the focus from the adults’ wants to what’s best for the children. Many queer & trans people are wonderful parents and parent figures.
November 18, 2019 @ 9:50 am
Thank you for this. My grandson was in foster care and I was encouraged to withdraw my custody petition by the foster care worker. I was told that he had bonded to the new family and the foster mother promised that me and his two brothers who I am raising would always be a part of his life. Two months later she has blocked me on social media, reported me for sharing his photos (as he is not my child), blocked my phone and access to his photos. The grief is horrible, and I can’t imagine how he feels. He turned 3 last October and has to get used to being called by a new first name, and he’ll never see his brother again.
November 18, 2019 @ 5:40 pm
So sorry to hear, Tina. <3
November 15, 2019 @ 9:47 am
One issue I noticed was not addressed was abuse and rejection once the adopters have their own biological kids. This happens often. It happened to me and to many in a support group I run. If you look at the rehoming page second chance adoptions many of the children advertised there have younger siblings that are biological to the adopters and are being discarded.
November 15, 2019 @ 9:49 am
That’s an important truth, Gina. I felt discarded as well, when my adopters had 4 more bio kids. They all had their college paid for, too—while I was neglected, coping with additional traumas.
November 14, 2019 @ 5:29 am
thank you for those words my aps were white im not and the truths about loss of culture are spot on i was a disappointment as i got older and wanted nothing to do with white people they realized that denying me my culture had backfired i left home at 16 with a hatred of white people
my am was a narcissist and enjoyed the daily praise of random white people total strangers saying how wonderful she was it disgusted me (still to this day eventhough both my aps have been deceased for more than 10 years) especially since behind closed doors she was an abusive violent monster who left lasting scars physical sexual mental i was diagnosed with cptsd in my early 20s to this day i still question how they were allowed to adopt white money connections being my only answer
i believe that a 6 month intensive psychiatric review should be done for every one who wants to adopt ( it should be mandatory for all who want to adopt outside of their culture) because adoption is about the safety of the child not pleasing or fulfilling some white persons life
it cant be done and the child suffers once this is realized
btw your people pleasing comments spot on thats me and it comes with hurtful and dangerous life lasting consequences i still am trying to not repeat patterns
November 14, 2019 @ 9:27 am
Sorry to hear you were raised by a narcissist, too. So many of us seem to have been. Wishing you well on your healing journey.
November 10, 2019 @ 12:40 am
Thank you for speaking out.
November 10, 2019 @ 11:08 am
Thanks for reading, Jesse.
November 9, 2019 @ 7:54 pm
Thankyou Jessica!! Love your thoughts and yes many of us feel like this too. http://www.intercountryadopteevoices.com
November 10, 2019 @ 11:07 am
Thanks, Lynelle. Always a fan of your work with ICAV.
November 9, 2019 @ 11:43 am
This was such a straight-forward, eye opening article to read. It’s important that a many people as possible read this. What a great way to give proper PRO-ACTIVE options for those who want to actually support children’s rights and aid a child who is actually in need. Thanks as always my fellow Adoptee for putting a solid perspective on what needs to be said, and keeping childrens, and human civil rights on the forefront!
November 10, 2019 @ 11:07 am
Thank you, Suzan.
November 9, 2019 @ 9:55 am
Well said. One point you made that seems completely obvious to me as an adoptee, but might not be to non-adoptees was your statement, “And the more we know and love you, the less safe you may feel.” Fear of abandonment is utterly, life-threatening real when we know that we have been abandoned. I word it that way not as a judgement against birth mothers. I get that the circumstances aren’t simple or easy. But in the mind of a child who has been relinquished, it’s abandonment. And that leads to fearing that there’s something wrong with us. You said you’re a recovering people pleaser, so I’m sure you’re at least as aware of this as I am. Some of your intended audience might need to read the words in order to connect those dots.
November 10, 2019 @ 11:07 am
Hi Dale. Thanks for sharing. I agree with your added commentary. It’s hard for anyone to truly understand the real fear of abandonment for adoptees, considering how many are rehomed and ousted once they no longer comply. <3
November 7, 2019 @ 4:56 pm
Thank you so much for writing this, Jessica. It perfectly sums up how I feel about adoption. You’re a wonderful writer.
November 7, 2019 @ 5:23 pm
Thanks so much, Karen. I’m glad it resonated with you.